Sober

Annyeong haseyo~ Chal ji ni? *eyes blinking cutely* (Hello! How are you?) Why in the world am I greeting you guys in formal Korean greeting then suddenly put on aegyo right after? Well, to be honest, I’m being the best actress I usually do whenever I opt to hide what I really feel on the inside. And I never thought some people are actually deceived by it. Truth be told, if I were to ask how am I doing and what do I feel about myself, I’ll candidly tell you that I’m definitely not fine at all and I totally don’t feel good about myself.

I’m under excessive pressure since last week due to the final straw of the training I’m currently on at the office where I’m working. We have to hit 8.8 by the end of last week and I’m like the weakest link among our group. I tried calming myself down but I kept on feeling worst than ever about myself as most of them already on the 8.8 goal, some even exceeded it already and I can’t keep up. I was even told that I look relaxed when in fact, I kept on stuttering and even palpitating so many times each day. I went back to my zany fixation for milk tea just to lessen the hefty amount of stress and distress I’m being in but I guess, it’s still not enough to compensate everything. Of course, no one wants to be imprisoned with the I’m-trying-my-best-everytime-but-still-I’m-not-good-enough feeling, right? Especially, myself who already encountered too much rejection and turndowns in life in the past. Bullying, been taken for granted by the people I love, getting misjudged.. name it.

So pardon my melancholic feels with this particular look today. I guess you really cannot conceal everything all the time. Today’s color palette shows the fine line between not feeling good about myself and being able to move forward despite the fact that it’s either they will send me back to training or I should say hello to job hunting shenanigans at this early time. So help me, God!

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Little Me

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Hi there! Sorry for my insolvency this past months/weeks, well, due to our midterm and final period in my final year in college (hopefully!!),Β I can’t post as frequent as I usually do before.

On the other hand, I hope you don’t mind if I vent my feelings here. I just can’t take the fact that the world is like being turn upside down nowadays. In general, whether when it comes to friends, I’ve been encountering people that I got conflict with that the person seem to be insensitive and find it hard to admit her fault and not seem to know how to say sorry. It’s like that person is unbelievably expecting I would be the one to apologize despite of the fact that I’m not the one at fault. And I have another ex-friend who had been my “comforter” before about my problems with a certain guy. She’s been there for me at all times, especially when I need a shoulder to lean on. At that time, I was utterly thankful of having her in my life. Not until, the heartbreaking day came that she left me in an instant. No explanations, no signs of the idea of her, leaving me. Nothing. Not to mention that I send numerous messages to her in facebook, asking her what went wrong. But she chose to ignore all of those & fling off our friendship that I taught was a real one. It led me to wondering if real friends still exists these days. Only God does.

On the auxiliary aspect, subsequent to the avowed aspect, when it comes to love, oh boy! I think I don’t feel the need to elaborate it further. It makes me feel little even more that all of the said people is so much happy with their lives by putting someone down. With all of those, my thought of going to consultation is growing hefty than ever. Gee, I don’t know. So help me, God!

Proceeding with my look post, well, I must admit that this particular look is a backlog. Meaning, this was taken I think, last year! I just found out that I still have it and so, there. The statement top says it all! Don’t you agree? Just what I needed to do!

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In The Shallows

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Hazy afternoon, lovely people! Okay, yes. I know it’s been a month (well, almost!) since the last time I posted. Sorry, I really do. Midterms started last Saturday and we’ve been busy with not just one but two thesis! And my state is getting worst than ever.

Well, everyone of us have our share of self hate. That “not good enough” feeling. As for me, (I’ve mentioned this multiple times before) since I’ve encountered excessive bullying and rejection before (and up to this day) and many people that I hold dearly left me million times before, it makes me feel little every time it haunts me and the pain lingers like an endless conundrum I can’t seem to ascertain how to escape of.

At present, for the nth time, I spent and wasted too much time, effort, tears and feelings with someone who just abruptly toyed with my feelings. And there’s a terrifying part when you love a person too much. For the moment you fall for them, you fall for them with your whole entirety. It’s like every single fiber of you wants nothing but that guy/girl that it hurts.

The problem with me is that I fondly get attach with people easily, in general. And with that, I always give them all of me. Which people takes advantage of and takes for granted most of the time. What made it worst is that I have this one friend that suddenly disappeared into thin air. She’s like the one who comforted me before whenever the guy who toyed with my feelings get in the way with my emotions.

She somehow lessen the pain and made me feel I’m not alone. And one day, she constantly ignored all my messages to her on Facebook. I did think hard of all the probable reasons why she acted that way and led her to throw our friendship just like that. But I’m 100% sure that I did nothing wrong to her. WHAT’S WRONG PEOPLE?

With all the rejection, heartbreaks, pain and people who left me crying to sleep, I recently found out that I’ve been suffering from clinical depression. I read an article on the newspaper with regards to the difference between normal sadness and clinical depression and its symptoms.

And I conducted a little research on it and confirmed that I’ve been suffering from the latter. Thereafter, I realized that perhaps that’s one of the reasons I’ve been listening to sad songs than before lately. And I just make myself preoccupied with my love for fashion such as this. The wonders of mixing details together! Denim with frills, tutu skirt and printed polo rolled into one.

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Black Bow Head dress and Pink Tutu skirt both from Forever 21, Polo from Mango, Camo shoes from SM Dept. Store

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Two-Way Street

Indubitablely, I ascertain that everyone of us have their own circle of friends & people who no matter how hard we try of erasing them from our lives, it just kept on haunting us and we always end up going back to them, isn’t it? Glum as it may be, but these are the ones we can’t steer clear of. Oh well!

In any relationship, it should always be a two-way street. In other words, as what we frequently hear from here and there, the principle of give and take should be in the picture. It’s alright to let others give and dole out their blessings (or perhaps, anything they can offer to you that money can’t buy like their love, time and effort). There’s utterly nothing wrong with that as long as you know how to give something back to them when you’ve given a chance.

Like for instance, when your friends fondly treats you for merienda or lunch, perhaps, it’s alright to be in raptures and euphoricly cheery, but you should also by hook or by crook, give something back to them like treating them for a snack to nibble or perhaps, treat them on your birthday. As what they say, Wag puro kabig. Wag take ng take. Learn to give din! In love/special relationships we have, it’s okay to let your special someone exert effort to make you feel how special you are to them. But never take it for granted rather, give them back the ardour and love they give to you. For people has its limitations. When they feel that they are predominantly abused, well, you can’t blame them if they someday come to a decision to leave you.

As for my case, I get easily attached to people (I know I’ve appraised this before in my past blog post). I think that’s one of the principal reason why people tend to abuse for me for my excessive amity and bounty towards them. I frequently dole out more than I can offer to the people I consider dear to me. That’s why by a wide margin, most people take advantage it negatively.I don’t know why I find it so hard to leave people behind but those people effortlessly leave me behind though I’ve given too much for them to feel how special they are to me. Pardon me for my kadramahan, will you? I just need to vent this substantial burden my heart is bearing since the world began.

Good thing, God is always there for me. As what in His word says in Psalms 73:26 (which is one of my favorite verses), “My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Apart from Him, we are nothing. I deem when I don’t have Him with me, I gave up and I wouldn’t be able to get through with all these hefty burdens and feeling that I am so little I’m grappling with.

Going back with our main topic of relationships mugging up its factual disposition in our lives and converging how it should be deal with, we should learn to appreciate and never disregard those people who takes time, exerts effort and bestow all the love they can offer just to make you feel how they hold dear and special you are to them. Moreover, we must supervene with the give and take principle in all relationships we have with people and never hesitate to mete out & share our blessings to others for we will be blessed by giving back to others. (Mark 9:41)

xx

Rigorous thing called Goodbye

Everything happens for a reason. We may not grasp what exactly it is right away. But in time, we will. And leaving someone who means something to you may be one of the most scarcely distressing things you’ll do in life, yes? Whether if it comes to a family member, friends or someone special, if you consider them very dear to you and they precipitously push you away, though it’s completely hostile to what you really want the both of you to end up being, you have no choice but to cut and eliminate them from your life. Not unless you are that significant and special to them that they will commitedly run after you, against all odds before it’s too late. For if someone really matters to you, you wouldn’t let them walk away from your life.

Well, as for me, I don’t let go and leave people behind easily. Especially when that person means something to me and they made me somehow exultant in a certain period of time. If you really know me, I can say I get attached to a person by a long chalk. I’m not sure of the exact reason why I usually tend to act that way. Maybe it’s because in my 19 years of existence, I met loads of impudent and judgemental people already. And there are only seldom ones who appreciated me and don’t take advantage of my weaknesses negatively. For it is one of the worst things that I’m sick of encountering.

After all those excessive bullying and rejection I’ve experienced now and then, I don’t want to be taken for granted continously anymore. Of course, no one want the feeling of being disregarded and unappreciated, isn’t it? Each one of us aspires to be highly valued and cherished, right? Moreover, cliche as it may sound, but as the saying imparts, don’t do to others what you don’t want others do to you.

Hereafter, I think I easily get attached too much to people because of the fact that there are few ones who appreciate and pays attention positively to me. But on the flip side of it, most people fondly takes it negatively, thinking I’m not capable of leaving them behind whether they treat me right or not. Well, candidly, I don’t need part-time people in my life. It’s either you’re with me or not. You can’t come and go as you please. I’m not a toy who anyone can play with when they have nothing worthwhile to do with their life.

I will do my part to settle my relationships with the people I consider special to me. But when they choose to ignore and disregard it, I have no choice but to do the same to them and let God handle their stubborness and attitude of pushing away people which they don’t realize that is always there for them, even how that person is. For if someone really is special and important to you, even how jam packed your day is, you will do whatever it takes just for you to find a way to spend time with that person. As what they say, when there’s a will, there’s a way.

#RealityCheck

Before we get too serious, say hello to August! πŸ™‚

As the weather splits up, sun and rain fought non stop for the spot, so is the haphazard thoughts hurling into our roguish minds that tend to confuse us to declare a decision in order for us to carry on with our respective lives, numerous interrogations arises and tend to deviate our point of view on the dark side that gives us the urge to do the wrong thing that put us in deep trouble.

Sometimes, though it contradicts on the nature of people, not being able to survive alone, each one of us should have our alone time where we could cogiate and internalize things that kept on bothering us and which we find hard to unravel and get to the bottom of. We should perceive and have a reality check once in a while.

Here’s some of the realities we should patently fathom and dole on to others, as well.

#RealityCheck Nothing lasts forever!

-When something came into your life that you’re exceedingly beholden, make the most out of it. For it would someday disappear. This is general. Like for example, when it’s your dream of becoming well known and notable actor/actress, it may be overwhelming and ecstatically too surreal being the center of attention all the time. But then, it would soon die down so you shouldn’t waste your salary on claptrap and always stay humble (Proverbs 15:33). For when your fame dissipates, the people who used to appreciate you wouldn’t hesitate to leave you. And on love, when you felt like that the guy/girl you’re with loves you more than anything in this world, don’t be infallible and dependent on that person too much. Like what they say, /Lahat ng sobra, masama!/ And as for success’ case, even you feel like you’re in the foremost position on your craft already and feel like you know everything, don’t be too vainglorious. Even Einstein had his bewildering turndowns and rebuffs.

#RealityCheck Everything/everyone is subject to change.

– No one should think that they don’t have the power to alter and amend themselves to become a more well off and better version of themselves. That they are hopeless and a failure just because they fail to perform well on their expertise. If you just let God help you, you will never be in stain (Isaiah 50:7). But of course, don’t be like /Juan Tamad/ who merely sat under the tree and slept with his mouth open, waiting for the tree’s fruits to fall on his mouth. When you desire change to take place in your life, it should start from you. Do whatever it takes to attain it in a way that you would also mug up new discoveries in order for you to share it with the people around you. And when life teaches you a lesson or confer you a warning to change a certain behavior, you shouldn’t take it as “Life is so unfair! Why me?”, Instead, take it as a blessing and say, “God, this may be distressing for me, but please help me to learn from this.” (Proverbs 16:3)

#RealityCheckΒ Everything happens for a reason.

– Life may seem unfair and bigoted at times, cliche as it may sound. But everything happens for a reason. We may not fully cognize and discern clearly what it is, for now. But in due time, we would. All we have to do is put our hopes in Him (Romans 5:5). Like Abraham (Romasn 4:18-22), against all hope, though he had every reason not to trust God, he still did. So whenever you feel the world is against you and you can’t precisely make out the reason behind all of it, just put on the full armor of God so that you can endure hardships when the evil comes to pound you with anxiety and distress (Romans 6:13-17).

#RealityCheck Don’t force yourself to a person/to people who doesn’t want you around them.

– When you’re type of person who do whatever it takes to give their best to the people they exceedingly hold dear that was by and large take advantage of negatively by most people, when someone just take your presence for granted and you feel like they just want the idea of someone is chasing after them but you can tell by their actions that they don’t consider you as someone substantial and significant to them and they can carry on with their life without you, stop letting them manoeuvre and have power over you and start moving on with your life without them. It will just make you feel petty and like you’re so negligble.

These realities may sound so unfussy and austere. Cliche as it all may be but we can’t largely fathom and get a hold of it. We must mug up and resign ourselves to it, in order for us to give rise to a decision that we wouldn’t have regrets in the end of the day. For when you probe and mull over things and take a crack at it first and seek to assidiously get the picture before doing anything, you will gain favor (Proverbs 13:15;14:18)

A man is praised according to his wisdom, but men with warped minds are despised. -Proverbs 12:8

#IllNeverGetUsedTo

Huzzah life? Well, as what I’ve tweeted, here are ze 10 Things #IllNeverGetUsedTo:

1. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Being ignored and unappreciated (especially if its by my loved ones)

– This one doesn’t need any wide description. I’m sure no one feels exultant and lucrative when you exert/exerted so much effort on something/someone you unduly adorn and you end up being unappreciated and desolately disregarded, right? For appreciation and recognition fuels you to do better and aim further.

2. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Passing by my favorite cafΓ©s and food places without purchasing anything despite of the intemperate tussling of my famished tummy.

– Well, if you know me very well, it’s beyond impossible that you’re not knowledgeable and acquianted with the love of my life, FOOD. That’s why I’m finding it so gruelling to stay true to my diet.So I tend to look odd and imprudent little girl whenever I pass by my presumably beloved food places and just merely glaring at it.

3. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Commuting!

– Don’t get me wrong with this one! I might sound /maarte/ or whatsoever. But I’m positively sure that everyone of us by all means, if given a choice, would plump for not commuting, yes? Well, as for me, my health just forbears intense heat, dust and pollution from the desolate streets.(In view of the fact that I have an asthma, allergic to dust plus the probability of having anemia, as our school doctor said.) Not to mention that my school was at Monumento wherein beggars are here and there. Plus, the thoroughfares being excessively piled and swarming.

4. #IllNeverGetUsedTo My dad’s peeving extreme mood swings.

– Oh boy! Several of you might roughly don’t fully understand and cotton on this matter. But I bet nobody of us would give the go-ahead of being scolded with no apparent reason and, eh? And no one wouldn’t end up being pissed when someone you love doesn’t feel ecstatic when they see you exultant just because they are not in it, isn’t it? Well, I do love my father though. Everyone does. It’s just that my dad tend to be too self-regarding and can’t apprehend multifarious matters.

5. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Feel like a mediocre version of someone and be compared to others.

– In my 19 years of existence, I’ve encountered a manifold of rejection and the feeling of compared to others already. Considering that I’m not the smartest and exceptional you’ll ever meet. Plus the fact that I’ve been bullied since Grade 2.(Read it /here/.) I’m sure everyone hates that feeling, right? And what would make it much worst when someone compared you to someone you’re closely related to. As for me, my brother always been that gifted one who’s always on the top of everything. Attained multifarious medals since grade school and high school. At present, we’re both bloggers and lookbook-ers. And with my insecurities hitting me, I can’t help feeling like a middle of the road nd second rate version of him.

6. #IllNeverGetUsedTo People who takes advantage of my weaknesses. </3

– This is one of the topmost aftermath of my sundry rejection-and-been-bullied encounters.It’s like I don’t have that courage and seeping confidence and urge to fight. I tend to deem like I’m inferior than others. Principally when someone still takes advantage of my weaknesses despite of the fact that that person is very acquianted with my insecurities. It’s like an blunt and candid indication that I don’t matter to that person by all means.

7. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Being not a part of my school’s dance troupe and church’s dance ministry! 😦

– Since the world began, I always been my wildest dream to be a prominent and professional dancer someday. Well before, I together with my brother and cousins perform during special events in our family clan. Inopportunely, as the years gone by, my cousins and brother start having like chalk and cheese priorities in life. So that ended the dancing perf fiasco. What made it distressing is my parents won’t allow me to join our school’s dance troupe. They felt like it would just distract me from my studies. What they don’t know is that if I become a part of it, it would fuel and invigorate me to do better because while I’m studying, I’m also doing what I adorn of doing. And as for my church’s dance ministry, I have to wait for like a couple of years before being able to join it. For again, my parents said they want me to finish college first before doing so.

8. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Hearing someone say words that’s contrary to their actions! -__-

– Words are NOTHING without actions. Like in relationships, when someone tell you that you’re important to that person, how would you know if that perosn is genuinely sincere and earnestly honest with it? It’s when that person by all means, do what it takes to prove it to you by his actions, isn’t it? On the flip side of it, when that person acts in a way that contradicts the words his saying to you, then that’s when you could specify that that person is just making a fool out of you.

9. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Moments when someone asks me where am I studying.

– Forthrightly, I’m not that proud on what school I’m currently enrolled at. Why? Well, I bet most of you is not knowledgeable about this. Mainly those who don’t thoroughly know me. But I’m not wholly the one who cherry-pick on what school I’m gonna be studying. It’s like my mom made me choose between a few universities that’s not around Manila. They say it’s because I’m not that good at memorizing directions and it’s perilous for a girl like me to go home late when let’s say, my last class for the day ends at 7pm or later than that and our house is in Caloocan & Bulacan pa. But I mainly prefer studying at Lyceum of the Philippines, to be honest.

10. #IllNeverGetUsedTo Not being able to buy clothes, shoes, etc online. 😐

– Perceptibly, I hold dear fashion unduly, yes? Having an account on /Lookbook/ and being an aspiring fashion blogger and all that. And nowadays, online stores/shops are predominantly making its way to persuade customers buy online and paying a little less but exceedingly worth it. As for my case, it’s not just paying less is what I’m after for. It’s the items itself! Such as architectural shoes from DAS and Gold Dot (among others), ombre shorts from Bubbles and many more. But the problem is, my parents won’t allow me to have my own credit card. They say it’s because I’m an impulsive buyer and having your a credit card has its streneous demands.

xx

Friendship Over??

Greetings earthlings! Our topic for the day is about friendship and relationships we value or for some reason, neglect a few whether it’s intentionally or an outcome of a certain conflict or misunderstanding. Well, beyond any doubt, almost everyone of us have their own peers right? It just differs from its number and how long have you been so imminent to each other.

Well, for you, how do you define friendship? For several people, friends are their second family who they can turn to at all times and it’s to whom they seek advice and one of the people they desire to be with by any means. On the other hand, some people, for a specific reason, just tend to take advantage of their chums’ capabilities for their own benefit and if they find you humdrum already, they would just simply leave you and act as if they never been a part of your life.

Furthermore, you might be wondering where I’m coming from and what crossed my mind for me to come up with this blog post about this matter, yes? Well, even before, I already have diverse encounters about friendships and relationships As what I’ve mentioned here, I’ve immensely experienced bullying since Grade 2, right? Having said that, I had divergent encounters on being ignored, running after people that don’t value as much as I do, being taken advantage of, people suddenly leaving me and such. And at present, I still do encounter those kinds of people.

And not just for me, but I bet for all of us, when friendships ends suddenly, whether you know the reason or not, it tends to cause you pain and you feel like questioning yourself where did you lack for that friend to leave you, right? Well, all we have to do is seek help and trust God for He is our best friend. (Psalms 46:1-3 – God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with surging.)

Furthermore, though I have a friend right now whom I’ve been close for more than a year and she “suddenly” ignored (and ignoring) me for no apparent reason, I would still continue loving her as much as I do before. (Proverbs 17:17)

I strongly suggest that you do the same with yours, dearies! πŸ™‚

xx