People are made to be unique with each other. There are those who have excessive confidence among themselves but on the other hand, there are also those who lack self confidence and worst, they have none at all. Too much is definitely healthy to anyone but what if you’re lacking too much? As for me, I must say, I’m lacking self confidence! And at first, some might say or think that I shouldn’t be lacking self confidence because i’m raised in a family with adequate & sometimes too much amount of all the neccesities in life, but if you’ll know and be informed by what I’ve experienced before and how much bullying and rejection I’ve encountered in the past, I bet some of you will be able to understand me or at least, get an idea why I had voluminous insecurities at present.
Not to keep you all hanging, I’ll make it clear for you to understand and know what I’m saying. Back when I was a little, as long as I can remember, I’ve first experienced being bullied in Grade 2. At that time, I had a classmate that I used to be with all the time but then, she was also the one who started bullying me, along with my other classmates. Since then, it never stopped as the years go by. 😥 People calling you divergent names that makes you stumble. People who whisper something to each other, laugh and look at you whenever you pass by that makes you feel unsure of your capabilities. People who bash you whether in vulgar or secretly that makes you think that you’re merely a nobody and think that you can’t do anything right. </3
And that continued until I finished elementary and high school. And as I grew up, I started having crushes and later on, falling in love. And I know it’s a shame for me to c te and share my stupidity and the excessive rejection I’ve encountered in the past but just for you to understand what I mean. In real life, boys are the ones who normally search for the girl that they love (and later on, if they were meant for each other, the one who’ll they’re gonna grow old with) and do something & exert effort in order for them to capture the girl’s heart. But as for me, it was unfortunately and sadly on vice versa. Oh crap! </3 It all started when I was in my sophomore year in high school back then. I can’t remember how we met but the silliest thing I’ve ever did for that guy was I bought a stuff toy from Blue Magic.
I bet almost all of the female who’s patiently reading this blog post had experienced receiving stuff toys and diversely different and sorts of gifts from divergent guys and as fror me, it was unfortunately on reverse! 😥
It didn’t end there. On the following year, I again met a guy that I liked very much. But then AGAIN, I was agitated the moment I found out that he was courting one of our classmates. I was very devastated at that time. The most stupid I did for that bizzare guy was I bought him a grande-sized brewed coffee during one of our stopovers in our field trip. I even gave him a birthday gift on his day. Yes, I know! It’s a stupid thing to do. Oh well! 😐
On my last year at high school, well! I think this was one of the worst situation that any student could get into! Almost the whole class hates me! It’s because I’m the one they’re blaming that we only got third place at a native dance contest during our Buwan ng Wika. And the rest of their reasons of hating me is history! (Some of the reasons are too personal for me to share! It almost bring me to tears whenever it crosses my mind! </3)
In the name of love, that same year, I had a guy classmate that I fell in love, I gave him a farewell letter in a cartolina. And just last year, And just last year, it grew worst! 😦 In my first semester in college, when I took up IT (and took Business Administration in the following sem, up to now.), I fell in love with a guy who had a girlfriend & they had been together for almost 6 years at present. </3 Anyways, to cut it short, read this for you to further understand what had happened last year. Done reading it? (That’s from my former blog!) And last June 25, he had his 21st birthday and I made a blog post again for him.And not just in the aspect does my insecurities kill me. Aside from love, I tend to question myself from time to time why I feel like I don’t excel and stand out on something. I love to do so many thing in life.
Like dancing, since I, together with my brother and other cousins were still a kid back then, we’re fond of having a production number in our compound every Christmas and other events. And so, since then, I really love dancing and I’ve been dreaming to be a part of our school’s dance troupe. Before, because of health reasons I can’t join and right now, my parents won’t allow me because they say it might only disturb and distract me from my studies. What they don’t know and realize is that when they allow me and I become a part of it, it would make me very,very happy and would strengthen me to do best because I’m doing something that I really love. And so whenever I see one of the members of the dance troupe in our school, my eyes are bawling out and it’s like my heart was thrown on the sea and a huge whale came eating it into pieces! </3
Another thing that I love doing is what I’m doing now, blogging. And my blog’s partner in crime, Lookbook! I really love dressing up and I’m a born camera freak. When I first had my blog and Lookbook, I kept on procastinating and all that. But then, I realized that I’ll never be young forever. And therefore, while I’m young,what I ought to do is make the most out of every opportunity in order for me to be succesful. For that I was motivated to stop being sluggish and procastinate no more! But then, my insecurities kept on hitting again whenever I see someone better than me!
Wag na tayo lumayo! Like on my case with my brother, we share the same field of interest. We’re both aspiring bloggers and Lookbook-ers. But then, he’s more somehow succesful and excelling in it. Why? Maybe because of the convenience that he has his own laptop (And as for me, I’ll have my own 2 months or so, from now!). And for that, sans the hassle for him because he can type all the text that he needs for the blog post that he’ll post and edit all the photos he needs and he’ll simply copy and paste it when he use the free internet on their school library. Yes, you have read it right! Internet is free on the library at MAPUA. So it became even more convenient for him, plus, he don’t have to go out from their school and spend money like me! 😐 Aside from that, since it’s free, he don’t have to worry about the time that he’s spending and so whenever he has free time/vacant, he can just go to the library and that’s it! Furthermore, he can accomplish things like a pro. For that, he had more blog posts and readers in his blog.
And as for his Lookbook, since they don’t have uniform in MAPUA, he has the opportunity to practice and hone his skills in mixing and matching his clothes everyday. Likewise, he had 350+ fans on his Lookbook, at present. And to top it all up, he had close friends who supports him. In fact, two of his friends and another two of his former classmates had their Lookbook, as well. Therefore, it strngthens and motivates him to do good and perk up even more.
He’s only an example among those people that made my insecurities hale and hearty. It’s not that I’m ungrateful of the blessings that God is giving me and had given me but it’s just an outcome of all those copious rejection that I’ve grappled with.
I was like: How would I be like when I didn’t have our Most High that gives me strength and is my refuge? I’ll be nothing and I wouldn’t survive indeed! Moreover, I consequently believe that he would by no means, let my self esteem and self confidence suffer as much down under. All I have to do is continue trusting Him and cast all my cares to Him. 🙂
For that, I ended up making a look that says: No matter how much pain and rejection anyone would put me, I will always end up rising! So my look had to channel a girl who is defiant, ardent and fierce.
And so, Agyness Deyn was my peg for this look:
Hype this on Lookbook.nu!